Survivors guilt

Alan

Count mine double- heart and kidney. Heart donor was 26 years old, was a veteran , and loved his grandpa. Loved cats. Kidney donor was over 50 and died of a stroke. When I got my first letter from my heart donor family I sobbed for 3 days. Part survivors guilt, part ptsd. Hard to separate the two.

Tpweller

Alan, I have not received my organs yet, so I can’t imagine how that feels; but I have experienced survivors guilt several times throughout my life in regards to my health.

Three times, I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, three times I’ve survived; while I’ve had friends and family die from the same conditions. Each time, I asked “why me?”. What did I do to deserve another chance? And, when comparing my life to others, I fell short. Some left behind spouses, children, or loved ones that relied on them. Others were deep, devoted faith- believers. I agree that I shared some of these traits, but I was not as good a wife… not as good a sister…. Not as good a friend… not as good a Christian. But still, here I was.

In talking with therapist, and people much wider than myself, I was told “it was not your time”, “God’s not ready for you”, and the ultimate, “God’s got a purpose for you”, possibly something you would never imagine. A lot of that went in one ear and out the other. I would just write it off to good luck, or having better doctors, or not being as sick as the others. But fast forward to turning, 60 years old, boy, did I have an awakening!!

Having been a foster parent to many children through the years, and a GAL/CASA representative, I had many children pass through my life and home. While present, I always tried to make them feel special, wanted and loved. But, with kids in DCF care, it’s hard to know if you make an impact, many are so damaged, they don’t trust or love anyone; it’s about self-protection. All these children moved out of my life for various reasons, and I eventually moved out of the state.

Then, one evening, and 11pm, I get a call from a sheriff, asking me if I know “this girl”. Well, I recalled that she was a young girl that had been one of my GAL kids and eventually, was a foster child for a short while. Well, she was in trouble, and the only phone number she would give them was mine! Keep in mind, I had always told my kids to memorize my phone number, as many would run away, and they had one person they could always call. Well, in moving out of state, I kept my old phone number and she had the sheriff call me. She had a 16 month old son that was going into DCF care, and she knew she was going to prison for awhile; so she wanted me to take her son and raise him. I didn’t realize it then, but I do 3 years later— this is why I survived all those illnesses, cancers, surgeries; God was not done with me yet, He had a purpose for me to fulfill!

Alan, I share all this with you to say, seek out help. Get some therapy to help deal with the survivors guilt. There is a reason that you are here; that you received such a beautiful gift!! You have a purpose, there’s something unfinished that is planned for you. All the blessings have come to you for a reason, and eventually that reason will show itself- mine, was a beautiful son #3, that I didn’t know I was missing! My lord, I have teenage grandkids, and I’m raising a 5 yo. I’d never imagined!!!

Good luck to you. If you need to reach out, you know how to find me. Wishing you acceptance.